The Flat Cap

Headline in ‘The Times’ Newspaper – 1st June, 2018

‘Supermarket refuses to serve customer for wearing flat cap.’ 


The ensuing article went on to tell of the ejection from a West Midlands Tesco Supermarket of a 64 year old male customer by a security guard for entering their store wearing a flat cap.    The man refused to do so, and then complained to the management  . . . The article concluded with . . . 

”Tesco said its policy on hoodies or crash helmets had been implemented incorrectly.’


My verses below attempt to imagine this same scene being re-enacted in Yorkshire . . .


flat cap


He wore a flat cap walking into the store;
Well, being Yorkshire, you wouldn’t expect more,
So it was such a surprise when security stopped him
Told him to doff it or they’d have to accost him.

“What the bloody ‘ell for?” was his caustic reply,
“What’s so nasty or hurtful? No, I will not comply”
“And why may I ask you, can’t an old codger like me
Wear just what he wants, isn’t our country free?”

“Well, sir, you see, we’ve instructions to stop
 All those wearing headgear who come into our shop.
Such things as those hoodies and crash helmets too
Are definitely verboten and that applies also to you.”

“Well, you can stuff your instructions, I’ve ‘eard nowt so daft
Since our Auntie Ethel got caught in a draught,
Displaying her knickers to all that dare look.
Your bloody instructions sound like pure gobbledygook.

So I’m not doffing my cap and not leaving your store
Until I have got just what I came in for.
You can take your instructions and stuff them just where
The sun never shines, so do that if you dare.”