‘The Beautiful Couple’ … A Limerick

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There once was a beautiful couple,

Who did press-ups to keep themselves supple.

She said “Look in my eyes”,

He said “I love those big thighs”.

He was clever but not very subtle!

 

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Blue Tooth Rules

Blue Tooth,
that ancient Nordic King,
Now answers to my needs
Looms large where’re I travel
I go where he now leads

Without his presence
Where would I be
His mystic rune
Connects with me
It dogs my tread
Connects my world
His ancient dread
Now sanitised
Brings you to me instead

And now in this connected world
I hear Old Harald praying
Let me be heard
I’ve much to do
My word goes without saying

 

The Doorkeeper – Let Me In

Ancient Buddha, set in stone,
Guardian of the door,
Tell me will you let me in,
What else is Heaven for?
Oh, I am weak but well-meaning,
Given to wishful thinking.
Perhaps you’ll promise me the earth
If I give up my drinking.

But I’d have thought that one like you
Would be among the godly.
Not lumbered with a job like this
And behaving very oddly.
For when you came into my view
I saw you in a trance,
Looking as though you’d rather be
On holiday in France.

If you will stretch a minor point
And let a sinner in,
I’m sure you’ll feel a moment’s thought
Will save you from considering
Why it is that I, poor wretch,
with no more to my blame
Than one unproven parking fine,
Should play a waiting game.

I’m pretty sure you could forgive
A few mistaken words,
Those acts of careless rectitude,
Those songs in minor thirds.
Perhaps just now you are best placed
To do a pal a favour.
I am your friend, one of your best,
So please do be my saviour.

 

The Golden Gooseberry

The Tale Of a World-beating Gooseberry
Recently recorded at Egton Bridge Gooseberry Show, North Yorkshire

Keep me from a Golden Gooseberry
It would not enrich my days

Not to be tasted
Not for a pie
Not to be handled
Don’t ask me why.

Treat it with care
For it is unique
The world has not seen
Such a singular freak

I have to confide
It weighs 2 ounces plus
I should not deride
But it’s acidulous,
I find it it quite sour
Makes me wriggle and lour.

No, a goosegog that size,
A duck’s egg in disguise,
I don’t find appealing;
My senses are reeling.

About the Ribes uva-crispa,
Looking somewhat like a blister,
I cannot get excited,
My lust has certainly been blighted.

Cryptic Verses

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We met via a cryptic crossword
Ensnared by a neat cryptic clue
I gave her a smile as a greeting
Followed up by a “How do you do?”

She was young, twenty-three-ish, and pretty,
Presentable, pert and petite.
She rang my Big Ben with a ding-dong
And my heart skipped a jubilant beat.

She was sitting there doing a crossword,
It looked like the one in ‘The Times’.
While I was just taking a breather,
Thinking up verses and rhymes.

Then ‘Wave cereal bowl’ she murmured,
As she looked, without seeing, at me.
Now this, I thought, I could work at.
I gave thanks to the powers that be.

An eight letter answer was needed,
So I set my old brain cells ticking
I knew if I thought hard I’d find it
The clue just needed unpicking.

For ‘cereal’ – think ‘grain’ or think ‘bran’,
And for ‘bowl’ then how about ‘dish’?
But to fit them together I thought,
Would be more than I ever could wish.

But it soon became clear to me
When looking again at the clue,
That what I was looking for now,
A word which meant ‘wave’, that would do.

A light then switched on in my mind
I knew I had twigged it at last
‘BRANDISH’ I yelled with great glee
Assuming she’d leap up and gasp.

But “Calm down!” she abruptly called out
“I ‘d just worked that out for myself.
I don’t need your help you spoilsport.
Go pickle your brains by yourself.”

Disgruntled, I stood up and left,
Yet another faux pas I had made.
One more chance for romance I had blown,
So it’s back to my verse I’m afraid.

‘CRYPTIC CLUE:  Wave cereal bowl’;   ANSWER:  Bran-dish’

Tooty Fruity & The Imbroglio

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The IMBROGLIO

I’m embroiled in an imbroglio, 
And, Yes, I am confused. 
Which way to turn I do not know, 
Perplexed, baffled, bemused.

She’s says that she will live with me, 
See to all my needs, 
If I will gift my house to her, 
The pool, the grounds, the deeds.

I think she’s asking far too much, 
And yet she’s such a sweetie. 
I’d like to give her what she wants, 
Listen to her entreaty. 

Perhaps I’m just an aged fool, 
Smitten by her beauty, 
But should I take a chance and swap
My world for Tooty Fruity?

One WEEK of My LIFE

One WEEK of my LIFE

 

Murky Monday meets its maker

Troubled Tuesday tweeks and trills

Wobbly Wednesday winds its way while

Throbbing Thursday thrusts and thrills

Fussy Friday freaks and flutters

Sultry Saturday simmers and strains

Saintly Sunday saves my soul

As one Week wistfully withers and wanes.

 

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The Old Insomniac

‘Sleep’ – WHB … pencil

Old age has its delights, 
Its pensions and its freebies, 
But, oh, the restless nights
Give me the heeby jeebies. 

My pleasures are so various, 
From playing cards to skiing, 
Some dubious, some precarious, 
From lawn bowls to sight-seeing. 

But at night I still can’t sleep;
Perhaps I am too active? 
Instead of counting sheep
I need something more distractive. 

Maybe I’ll take up yoga, 
Or write another will, 
Decamp to Saratoga
– Or just take another pill! 

 

 

Late Love

LATE  LOVE

Eagerly he jumped into bed
His vows to now fulfil
His lady fair sat on the bed, 
Took a little pill. 

Seductively she stripped and then
Slipped on her pink silk gown;
Opened the drawers beside the bed
She twirled and then sat down. 

Slowly she took her dentures out, 
Popped them into a box. 
Beside this she placed her spectacles, 
Her things, her rings, her rocks. 

Off came her hair, a huge blonde wig, 
Into the drawer it followed. 
A few more pills went in her mouth, 
Then these she swiftly swallowed.

Next a glass eye was taken out, 
Put in a velvet box, 
Then placed sedately in the drawer
Beside those golden locks.

She then unscrewed a wooden leg, 
Wrapped it in a napkin. 
That also went into the drawer
“What else to come?” I’m asking.

Until, she said, “At last my dear, 
Now I am all yours.”
But I was undecided, p’raps
I’d be better in those drawers.

A Critical Dither

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A Critical Dither

 

Here am I standing
Awaiting a YES
Are you still not sure?
I can’t bear the stress.

Love me or leave me
Make up your mind
My heart it is racing
It’s knotting my mind

This hoping and waiting
Is making me ill
You leave me here chewing
On life’s bitter pill

The tension is high
I’m poised for that word
Don’t keep me waiting
Please don’t be absurd

You should know by now
What the answer’s to be
When I first popped the question
You said you’d agree

It’ll just take a moment
A snippet of time
To join us together
In a union sublime

Please make up your mind
Or forever they’ll say
He was left at the altar
On his wedding day.